hate booking in.. totally.. counting down is painful..

missing it all alreadi..

national day..

doesn't mean much 2 me exp a break.. hahaha..

saw this episode of band of brothers tt wuz shown in camp today titled
'why we fight', which juz showed d allies finding out abt the concentration camps.

d most memorable scene to me wuz actually the starting part, as in the song where they showed the old foto like ting...

it made me wonder..

to all you ppl out there tt belive tt war and armed conflict is glorious and heroic, and are willing to rush out at "the press of a button", let me ask u..

how would u feel going off to a foreign land to fight, for God noes how long, knowing full well tt u may never return, and even if you did, tt there would be no1 left around waiting for u?

can u honestly sat u can look a man square in the eye and shoot him dead? can you fight on when side by side ur frens die by u in a mess of blood and flying body parts?

are we all prepared for tt?

let ur imagination run wild.

why do we fight?

cuz we have orders to kill the ememy, while the 'ememy' has orders to kill their enemy, and all fighting carry the hope of going baq to the lives they lived before, for the people who pray for their safety everyday.

so let's tink logically and fairly, who rightfully deserves to die? whose side the evil one?

all must suffer cuz 2 people can't agree..

is it reali for our best interests?

i reali dun wanna be a part of this..

i'm not prepared.

sum fighting soldier huh?

how doi start

how do i tell u gow i feel, knowing how bad u alreadi do?
cause seriously, i noe how u feel TOTALLY.

i guess what hope i had last week has faded into confusion. don't wanna blame ani1, but all i can say is tt i'll juz have 2 do my best an c how it goes from there.

i realise tt i don't pray tt much animore, i mostly concentrate my feelings into a thick mass an fire it skywad to Heaven, while listening out for the soft thud of Someone bigger an greater than everything around me, catching it like a tennis ball thrown in his direction.

it reali sucks to feel helpless, like when i realised tt u were suffering yest an i could do nth but just start to pray. worry for you combined wit dread for myself as a silent superstition tt belives tt events will turn out the opposite of what i which for most of the time. 2ce i felt lyk drowning last nite. one when i showered, and the moment the water hit me, my lungs contracted an for the next 20 sec, breathing wuz shit. next came in a vague dream that i wuz drowning in my blanket, and had to constantly rise for oxygen.

whatever tt means.

i can't help it, i still want u to enjoy urself more than me.

happy army stories are hard to come by, and onli for the reali crazy or reali luckly ppl.

i am neither.

so i will have to do what i can.

25/7/06
2.30 p.m.


=) thanks for the weekend.

it sucks everytime i book in

i noe i'll b out again tml.. but tt still freaking leaves lyk monday till sat again.. so irritating la...


haiz*

miss myself being not ard..

it's lyk i come out.. and fade into non-existance again.. evry weekday.. juz phase out..

haiz* evryday i'm home feels lyk a weekend..

miss all..

miss u..

sulyn.. have fun ya??


take care in camp!!!! noe u'll do great. =)

wat is loneliness?
i guess it's tt weird feeling tt u get when u juz miss company. when 5 sec ago life seemed so hectic, and conversation so fluid. but soon aft it juz dies down into nothingness.

some ppl choose to attemp to jolt life back into the situation, to maybe make a phone call or sumting.. but mayb im a sadist, but i wanna sit this one out, in all it's gripping crushing darkness tt ebbs and flows ard me, to c wat it does to me, an mayb describe it.

like waiting till ur eyes adjust to the darknes of the night. seems tt darkness is something tt is pervading into my life more and more. but i dun fear it. it covers me, and hides the scary stuff from my eyes, which mayb a good ting.

i guess part of me feeling shitting is the fact tt i could be come doing beta tings wit my life then jus wasting my time eating mush witcool manes, i hate it here sometimes, esp when i'm alone, but it reali depends on my mood. i guess it gets worse when nitefalls, it's juz bad i guess.

weirdly, i can feel tt way on weekday aftnoons, esp when i'mat home alone. or anitime is good 2. mayb it' juz me feeling sian at being denies at wat i wanna do.

so i guess, mayb i can never be satisfied.

tinking leaves more qns than ans

writen on 13/7/06
8p.m. in Bravo Bunk


sian!!! booking in again!!!! still feels shitty!!!!! =P

missing evryting.. an worried abt d future. *haiz*

=)

last day of my status at home..

guess no matter wat happens.. i'm still an army boy..

back to the routine..

seemed kinda ironic tt i juz watched a show on a max security prison..

an there u live by a set of rules.. of respect.. blah blah blah..

sian.. sounds not 2 diff frm army..

kept saying tt in there time is in limbo.. tt evrydae is the same..

freak! isn't tt juz lyk NS?!

my time out wuz lyk.. limbo in limbo..

evrydae juz stay home.. then lyk dunno wat dae is wat.. cuz no diff..

get calls to check on me an shit.. can't move ard v much..

but screw tt.. i wld never give wat i had this week..

never.

living a week on stolen time.

euphoric.

wun bored wit details..

i'll juz explain it in colours..

juz wave aft wave of swirly happiness..

now darkening again..

a week of sloth an gluttony..

slipped lyk sand thru my fingers..

i guess i wld feel beta abt wat is coming if i actually knew wat is ahead..

i guess i juz have 2 c wat is unrevelled b4 me..




it's so hard not 2 hope..

cuz i dun wanna be dissappointed.

why?

haiz* tings feel kinda uncertain now.. cuz lyk i'm lyk now in limbo over my injury an stuff.. but haiz*

guess it's all up 2 d big guy above ya? hahaha =)

feel scared but yet.. juz noe tt we'll make it thru..

guess we can't hold on to the past.. an it seems lyk we're being dragged forward..

yeah we're both bummed out.. but haiz* =)

we're covered.. we juz gotta learn to rise above the trials ya?

it's crazy i noe. but yeah..

*WINKS*

here's a dedication again!

You'll Be Safe Here

Rivermaya

Nobody knows
Just why we're here
Could it be fate
Or random circumstance
At the right place
At the right time
Two roads intertwine

And if the universe conspired
To meld our lives
To make us
Fuel and fire
Then know
Where ever you will be
So too shall I be

Chorus:

Close your eyes
Dry your tears
'Coz when nothing seems clear
You'll be safe here

From the sheer weight
Of your doubts and fears
Weary heart
You'll be safe here

Remember how we laughed
Until we cried
At the most stupid things
Like we were so high
But love was all that we were on
We belong

And though the world would
Never understand
This unlikely union
And why it still stands
Someday we will be set free.
Pray and believe

Chorus:

When the light disappears
And when this world's insincere
You'll be safe here
When nobody hears you scream
I'll scream with you
You'll be safe here

Save your eyes
From your tears
When everything's unclear
You'll be safe here

From the sheer weight
Of your doubts and fears
Wounded heart

When the light disappears
And when this world's insincere
You'll be safe here

When nobody hears you scream
I'll scream with you
You'll be safe here

In my arms
Through the long cold night
Sleep tight
You'll be safe here

When no one understands
I'll believe
You'll be safe,
You'll be safe
You'll be safe here
Put your heart in my hands
You'll be safe here

argh.

hmmm sumtimes it's hard 2 sae wat i reali feel.. so i guess i shld juz make a dedication...

here's 2 u.. =)

Easy Tonight

You were wrong
You were right
And you are gone Tonight
You were free So alive
You were wrong You were right

And you were down
You could see
And you wore hearts for me
And you were sharp Sharp as knives
You were wrong You were right

Shot down said you never had the chance
Took a ride on a suicide romance
Could have sworn there was somebody home
To facilitate the great unknown
Oh woman, I ain't going to meet you anywhere
Dont know where Im going yet,
But I sure am getting there

Shotgun fire anybody home
I got two dimes in the telephone
Alright?
No, It's not easy tonight

Shotgun fire anybody home
I got two dimes in the telephone
Alright?
No, It's not easy tonight

You were bound You were free
You wear black for me
You were dark As Dark as night
You were wrong Yet you were right

Shot down said you never had the chance
Took a ride on a suicide romance
Could have sworn there was somebody home
To facilitate the great unknown
Oh woman, I ain't going to meet you anywhere
Dont know where Im going yet, no
But I sure am getting there

Shotgun fire anybody home
I got two dimes in the telephone
Alright?
No, It's not easy tonight

Shotgun fire anybody home
I got two dimes in the telephone
Alright?
No, It's not easy tonight

She's In over my head
And it's not easy, it's not easy tonight

She's In over my head
And it's not easy, its not easy tonight

Shotgun fire anybody home
I got two dimes in the telephone
Alright?
No It's not easy tonight

Shotgun fire anybody home
I got two dimes in the telephone
Alright? Yeah!

You were free Now your not
You were free babe 

haiz*

an then there is silence..

juz silence..

it's crushing..

vast an pitch black..

no sound of my tears..

tho they pour..

i miss u..

i miss the light..

*have fun where u are*

got posting.. a combat engineer.. doing bridging.. ah..

confusion , fear an excitement combined..

haiz* dunno how it's gonna turn out..

but i guess it's all i God's hands rite?

noe it's gonna b ok..

hmmm sulyn's in china.. hope she's fine..

no matter wat happens.. i stil miss her.. alot..

hope she'll b fine. an i noe she'll have alot of fun.. hahaha

juz hoping an praying..

hope tings turn out good..

=)

hello from the airport! hahahahah


going hanoi for a few days.. hahaha aq on the 14th of march..

will miss evry1.. an will try 2 get stuff ya? hahaha


sulyn: miss u damn alot!!! take care k? will be back soon


free internet is so cool.. heeee!

who r we?

an what do we have?

that leaves us to wit an extremity of emotions..

swinging back n forth..

leaving us giddy and in a massive whirlpool of rage and euphoria

a mixture that beats special k..

is this for the best?

i don't know..

is this what shld be done?

i don't know..

d future is a darkness..

pop in 3 days..


seems so fast..

time reali flies..

have i grown?

hmmmmm


step forward into another unknown..

but i noe i'm covered..

hope i stay d same.. hope i stay sane.. hehe..

hope i grow wit sulyn..

=P

*big hug*

ah!!! finished live range.. passed.. now 2 an a half more weeks til lit's all over.. haiz..

it's good..

3 mths of my 2 yr service completing..

no love 4 it yet..

uni admissions came in.. gotta tink abt tt..


sulyn: dear, do wat u feel wat is ur heart's desire rite? i promise i will support u ani an evrywae i can.. do well babe! *muacks*

still miss her evrytime i go in..

looking at her face

ignites a warmth in my heart

her every action

obviliates my sorrow.

tho times we thirst for blood,

it's a small step of growth.

quirky is wat i describe us to be

but ah! just mite do a tom cruise

mad with elation.

this is only the beginning.

ahhhhh..

hee!

watched da vinci.. hmmm i juz wanna sae.. it doesnt strike me as much a stab in my faith..

all i'm going 2 show is this.. this more or less sums up wat i belive.

i belive, all other facts r secondary.

if we wld juz question ourselves, "does it REALLY matter?"

cuz ultimately, its fiction.

---

Apostles' Creed

1. I believe in God the Father, Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth:

2. And in Jesus Christ, his only begotten Son, our Lord:

3. Who was conceived by the Holy Ghost, born of the Virgin Mary:

4. Suffered under Pontius Pilate; was crucified, dead and buried: He descended into hell:

5. The third day he rose again from the dead:

6. He ascended into heaven, and sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty:

7. From thence he shall come to judge the living and the dead:

8. I believe in the Holy Ghost:

9. I believe in the holy catholic* church: the communion of saints:

10. The forgiveness of sins:

1l. The resurrection of the body:

12. And the life everlasting. Amen.

*tt signifies the unified church of Jesus, not the Catholics, mind u.. hahaha

find it sad tt most christians haven't heard or use this, it's a useful ting. hahaha

take care ppl..

as quickly as i exit the island

i prepare to enter it.

the feeing is the same..

a desire to escape it..

companionship can never compare to freedom..

of which i will easily trade.

tears that fall evrytime..

trickle to form a river

that dwarfs the nile..

that is the depth of longing..

that is the extend of my love..

*to my tokyo destroyer*

hey dear. cun get ur blog to load properly..

so i guess i'll do a tag here..

dis week has been totally great.. d weekend i mean.. hahaha but yeah..

still.. it rocked in everyway la..

time reali flies..

i noe it flies till i go baq in again.. but then.. it'll fly to when i get out.. an eventually..

till i finish dis shit.. hahahahaha


wheee!!!!!

so happy wit us..


p.s. i got into arts an soci!

an m totally touched by ur post.. *muacks*